Why do I Self-destruct with my weight?

Self-destruct

I write a lot about my weight loss and clean eating journey. It’s one of those subject that is interesting to talk about, its therapy for me to write it down and people like to read about it. I am always honest. Maybe too honest. But I think that’s what people like about my blog and my writing style. And me, I don’t hold back.

So I have done all of this hard work to shed 3 stone and get to my ideal weight. People tell me I look great. I excitedly say thank you, and tell them my weight is a healthy BMI for the first time ever. I am so proud of getting my weight below 11 stone, a number I have been obsesses with for 28 years.

So why did I yesterday spend the whole day eating well, drinking lots of water, eating a healthy salad and ostrich (;-0) for dinner. And then when everyone had gone to bed I sneaked to the cupboard of treats (as I had just done a huge shop at Aldi yesterday) and have, not 1 Jaffa cake but 8. And not 1 packet of bacon frazzles but 4?

I weighed myself yesterday morning, maybe it had something to do with that, and I had put on 3lbs after a full on bank holiday weekend of food and drinking. Or maybe because I was still awake at 11pm and downstairs watching Billions boxset, maybe it was something to do with that. Maybe it was the pressure I am feeling to keep the weight off now I have declared to the world how to do it? Who knows the reasons? I struggle to understand how I can ever manage to avoid the bad food in the house and keep this weight consistent.

Why can’t I just have 1 biscuit or 1 packet of crisps?

Back in July, I managed a whole month of no sugar, red meat, gluten, dairy, caffeine, booze & acid. I look back now and think how on earth did I manage this?

In the past week I have read a lot of posts about health, weight loss and wellbeing. I have read about muscle loss being bad, slimming clubs being bad, taking an exercise holiday is good. I have read about the power of hot water and lemon every morning. I have been for a run and hated the time I did my 5km in as its 3 mins slower than my personal best.

I am obsessed with my health and body image. This is nothing new though…. I look at others either in admiration of their amazing body or lack of understanding how they can let themselves get so over weight. I always look at stomachs, desperate for muscle definition that I will never have after 3 babies and tummy stretched after 2 decades of being overweight and/or pregnant.

So I am hoping that writing this will click me back into a week of clean. That will sort me out and get me back into the routine of eating well. I have a house full of healthy ingredients so I am going to get meal planning. We have no nights out planned so no nights of gin and mornings after of bacon baguettes and diet coke.

Wish me luck and if you are reading this to the end you probably do the same thing. Good luck with your demons, I am with you with the every day battle to beat them.