Summary
The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to happiness, personal experiences, and strategies for achieving contentment. It delves into the role of genetics, environment, and personal choices in determining happiness. The Pursuit of Happiness website is referenced, and the importance of relationships, journaling, and other factors in promoting happiness is discussed. The conversation covers a wide range of topics related to happiness, relationships, self-love, spirituality, mental health, and the pursuit of contentment. It delves into the impact of love bombing, the importance of self-love, the role of spirituality, and the significance of positive mindset and gratitude. The discussion also touches on the influence of money, the fleeting nature of happiness, and the value of self-compassion and mindfulness.
Keywords
Happiness, personal finance, relationships, journaling, genetics, environment, self-actualization, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Pursuit of Happiness, happiness, relationships, self-love, spirituality, mental health, contentment, love bombing, positive mindset, gratitude, money, self-compassion, mindfulness
Takeaways
- Happiness is influenced by genetics, environment, and personal choices.
- Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and promoting happiness.
- The importance of relationships and friendships in contributing to overall happiness.
- The Pursuit of Happiness website provides valuable insights into factors that promote happiness and contentment. The impact of love bombing on relationships and the importance of setting healthy boundaries.
- The significance of self-love and the role it plays in guarding against love bombing.
- The value of spirituality and the belief in something greater than oneself.
- The fleeting nature of happiness and the pursuit of contentment as a more sustainable emotional state.
- The influence of money on choice and the importance of self-compassion and mindfulness in achieving happiness.
Titles
- Exploring the Factors of Happiness
- The Role of Relationships in Happiness The Power of Self-Love and Spiritual Engagement
- Navigating Love and Intimacy: The Impact of Love Bombing
Sound Bites
- “So one third of the pie chart is stuff that we can take action on and we have some control on. And one of those methods of moving towards more happiness is journaling.”
- “Happiness in relationships is about lowering your expectations of the other person.”
- “The life I’m living now is as a result of things I wrote down years ago.”
Chapters
00:00Exploring the Factors of Happiness
30:07The Role of Relationships in Happiness
31:58Navigating Love and Intimacy: The Impact of Love Bombing
41:17The Power of Self-Love and Spiritual Engagement
50:23The Pursuit of Contentment: Money, Mindfulness, and Gratitude
Lynn Beattie (00:01.661)
So a huge welcome to my latest season of Mrs. Mummy Penny Talks and this is my first episode of the season where I have a guest and as you can see I have the wonderful Timi Merriman – Mary Moon Johnson sat next to me aka Mr. Money Jar, Mrs. Mummy Penny, Mr. Money Jar, we’re back together again I’m so excited.
Timi (01:02.534)
Thank you very much for having me, Lynn. I’m looking forward to today’s conversation.
Lynn Beattie (01:07.549)
Yes, now, this season is all about the big questions and I get sent a lot of questions on my social media and I’m sure you do as well, Timi So I just thought I’d sort of cherry pick out my favourites and just get an expert in to talk about them and just have an open and honest conversation. There will be swearing.
We will be talking about controversial subjects. It’s not always money related as well because despite the fact that Timi and I both excel in the personal finance world, we have a lot of other stuff going on and we have a lot.
other issues that we want to highlight in the world to our following. So we’re starting with what is happiness, which is possibly like the biggest subject in the world. And so I wrote this list of all the podcast areas I wanted to cover and that was the first one I came up with. And my immediate thought was to have you on and thankfully you agreed to come on the show. But I just want to start with a little bit.
bit of, before I launch into what is happiness, I just want you to share with people who you are, what you do, because a lot of people might not know who you are, maybe, and then just what you’ve got going on at the moment, and then just what exciting stuff you’ve got coming up, go for it. Show off about yourself.
Timi (02:35.878)
sure thing. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for having me on Lynn. I’m Timi Merriman Johnson, also known as Mr. Money Jar. I’m a financial content creator, recently qualified financial advisor as well as at last November. I create content online about personal finance, investing, getting on a property ladder. I do talks as well. I have…
I’ve seen a real step change in the stuff I’m being asked to do. Earlier on today, I was at the Bank of England. Last week, I was at Downing Street speaking to the Chancellor. So the job’s kind of evolving and becoming a bit more exciting. And I’m also an ambassador for National Numeracy. And we help UK adults and children feel more confident about numbers. So we’re a few different hats.
Lynn Beattie (03:31.581)
what exciting things have you got coming up for the rest of this year?
Timi (03:37.606)
For the rest of this year, I’ve got some cool talks coming up. I’m doing a talk in Amsterdam. Yeah, I’m not sure how much I can say about it. I think the materials are out at the moment, but I’m doing a talk at a conference and I’m talking about people talking about money online. So like, basically, yeah.
Lynn Beattie (03:45.117)
That’s amazing.
Lynn Beattie (04:00.829)
I’m really excited.
Timi (04:03.302)
pretty cool and I’ve got a couple writing projects and working out that are coming out soon but the thing that I’m most excited about now is that I am feeling more of a freedom to talk about stuff that’s personal to me in my lived experience and not just focus on the money because like money is a part of life but we all exist within life so I want to be a bit more holistic in the things I talk about going forwards.
Lynn Beattie (04:30.973)
Yes, and I think we share a lot of the same sort of morals and ethics between our businesses. I mean, I know that I’m obviously female and you’re male. And my concept has always been focusing on women. But my sort of strapline at Mrs. Mummy Penny has always been healthy, wealth, body and mind.
So, you know, there’s a huge amount of content that I put out there, which is to do with physical and mental health as well. But also, I think you’re right, society as a whole, things are absolutely not just all about money and saving money. We need to think about the wider concept. And when I come on to talk about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, it’ll be interesting to talk about sort of upper echelons of his pyramid.
self -actualisation because I think a lot of what we do, we are with our jobs working towards you know having that real meaning in life and you know sharing incredible guidance with people.
Timi (05:43.174)
I agree. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my job is as well. And I think I do two jobs. I think one, it’s my job to take things which are complicated or difficult to understand and to make them more easy to understand. And I think that that’s what a lot of people know me for.
But I also think it’s my job to take things that are taboo, difficult to talk about or uncomfortable and to have those uncomfortable conversations. Money is one such topic, but relationships falls under that. So does health. So there’s like mental health, which we’re going to talk about today. And I actually find that second half a bit more fun.
talking about the stuff that people don’t want to talk about. Because I think every so often you just need to, I think it’s like saying to you, you just need to kind of shake up the matrix a little bit and be like, hold on, doesn’t everyone realize that the world is this way? What do you think about it?
Lynn Beattie (06:47.389)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And teeny bit of self promotion. But as you know, I was on Women’s Hour last week. And my god, it was amazing. Like, it was literally like the best day of my entire career. Not of my life, of my career. But I was on talking about my experience with being love bombed. It was nothing to do with money. And they totally like, you know, collaborated with me on a reel. And I know.
Timi (06:55.526)
Yeah, congrats.
Lynn Beattie (07:17.149)
a thousand DMs from women, a thousand DMs from women sharing their love bombing stories with me. It is… I can’t express how it makes you feel to have people like sharing those stories with you. And, and… I mean…
I don’t even see it as brave as me sharing my story. Like I had something awful happen to me and we’ve spoken about it privately. But I had something really traumatic happen to me and I wanted to write about it. And then I wanted to share that with the world. And my thought process was, well, let’s send it to Women’s Hour and say to them that they need to talk about it. And they, you know, immediately replied to me and like, yes, we do. And we will help people that are going through it. So that’s literally what we’re all about, isn’t it?
putting really good **** out there and helping people. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m very, very proud of myself and I’ve had a lot of affirmation from other people as well. Not the guy who love bombed me, funnily enough.
Timi (08:12.87)
Starting conversations, getting conversations going. It’s awesome.
Lynn Beattie (08:30.621)
Right, so on to what is happiness. So, I have done some research, obviously, but I did a psychology A level, so I have covered a lot of this stuff in previous lives, although that was 30 years ago, so that’s quite a long time. But I…
Yeah, if we start with sort of emotions as a sort of bigger picture. So there’s seven core emotions and obviously I’m not teaching you theory here, I’m just talking about it for the benefit of the listeners and the watchers. But there are seven core emotions. Yeah.
Timi (09:01.51)
No, you’re probably going to teach me a thing or two as well.
Lynn Beattie (09:08.189)
So we’ve got happiness, we have got, I’m reading it from a list, we’ve got happiness, we’ve got sadness, we’ve got love, we’ve got anger, we’ve got disgust, we’ve got surprise, and we’ve got fear. So, and I was quite bamboozled by this when I read it in a book. Like, how is there only seven emotions? But I suppose when you boil it all down, then yeah, there are seven core emotions. So we’re focusing on happiness.
Maybe we could talk about the others at a different time. But yeah, there’s lots of theories around happiness. So I want to sort of highlight Aristotle as one theory, who’s one of the original philosophers of olden times. Timi studied philosophy at A level. so I’d…
Timi (09:57.99)
Yeah, it’s my favorite my favorite subject
Lynn Beattie (10:02.717)
So you did philosophy, I did psychology. So yeah, Aristotle says that happiness is the ultimate human desire. You probably know all this. And he talked about it being sort of in different stages. So you’ve got instant gratification.
You’ve got comparison and achievement. I’m not sure how you can get happiness from comparison. Anyway, positive contribution to life and then achieving fulfillment. So I think Aristotle nailed it with his interpretation. Like when was Aristotle around? It was a long time ago, wasn’t it? So what, is that BC?
Timi (10:40.582)
Yeah, it’s a Greek philosopher.
Timi (10:47.238)
Let me have a look.
Lynn Beattie (10:50.333)
I googled myself, I know I put myself into Copilot earlier but I’ll have to talk about that later. Sorry, I digress.
Timi (10:58.246)
384 BC, that’s when he was born, and he died in 322 BC. So weird that the years go backwards.
Lynn Beattie (11:01.757)
wow!
Lynn Beattie (11:10.141)
such a long time ago to come up with something so profound and that it’s still so relevant today. Yeah so big up Aristotle. And then I also want to touch on Maslow because I’m a huge fan of Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. It was my favorite theory in psychology. So basically it’s a pyramid with five different levels and you sort of work your way up the period.
Timi (11:20.326)
haha
Lynn Beattie (11:39.581)
pyramid period. That’s because I’m wearing reds and I’m obsessed with women at the moment. So at the bottom of the pyramid you’ve got sort of basic needs like food, water, shelter, sex, which is interesting because I’m not sure that that is a basic need anyway. The next level up is sort of security and safety, so having a roof over your head. Level three is having friends and family and intimacy. Intimacy is different to sex.
Timi (11:44.518)
Ha ha.
Lynn Beattie (12:09.487)
The fourth level up is self -esteem and respect. And then the top of the pyramid, which is what we are all apparently aiming for, is self -actualization, which is morality, creativity, acceptance, spontaneity, and a lack of prejudice. I mean, aren’t…
They’re both really different theories, but I just think they’re magical. I just love Maslow. What do you think of Maslow and his hierarchy of needs?
Timi (12:44.134)
I think something that you said I was interested was that you didn’t think that sex was a need, but I think that there is a split between how men and women would talk about that. So I found that quite interesting.
Lynn Beattie (12:55.065)
Yeah, I’m leaking a lot of emotional things, I like what I’m saying, but that’s just me.
Timi (13:00.482)
Yeah, yeah. I think what’s interesting about Maslow is that everything underneath the apex of the pyramid is what we call a deficiency need, which means that if you don’t have it, then that’s when you feel the pain of not having it. But when you do have it, you kind of don’t notice that you have it. So if you think, for example, of like sleep, sleep is like your classic deficiency need whereby if you slept enough hours, then you sort of feel normal.
but if you don’t sleep enough, then you’re just in pain and ultimately could die from it. So when I’m thinking about how happy I am, I do try to think about whether I’m trying to not lack something or get something in a positive way.
Lynn Beattie (13:52.897)
Yeah, yeah, that’s interesting, isn’t it? Because sleep, so I’ve got insomnia at the moment and it is killing me, literally. It’s really bad. So I got to the point last week where it was affecting my day -to -day life and that’s the point where you need to seek help from your GPs.
my GP’s very good, I got an appointment within an hour, like, my gosh. And she was like, yeah, no, I can tell that you’re really upset because I was crying on the phone. And she was like, just to get you through, I’m going to give you some sleeping tablets, which…
I don’t want to rely on drugs, but I’ve been able to sleep for like six or seven hours a night since I’ve had sleeping tablets. And I know that the overall answer is to have like CBT therapy, but that’s not a quick fix, is it? So I just need the, anyway, yeah. You can’t cope without sleep.
Timi (14:56.39)
Yeah. So I find that quite interesting. And then in terms of how Aristotle breaks down happiness, it sounds like you’re almost, it’s almost like a subscription plan or something. He’s got the bronze, silver and gold package when it comes to happiness. I quite like that as a way of breaking down different things. Definitely, definitely on the, the instant gratification.
Lynn Beattie (15:19.965)
I’m just writing that down.
Timi (15:26.822)
end of the spectrum. I do think that in the modern day instant gratification is almost weaponized against us and we live in a world where it’s all about very quick dopamine hits, getting things straight away, things being really sensationalized or really instant. But what I think we all want deep down is
Lynn Beattie (15:27.517)
Mmm.
Timi (15:56.198)
what’s on the other end of the spectrum for him, which is that long lasting fulfillment and contentment. And you’re right, it is really interesting that centuries ago, well millennia ago, human beings were still pondering these questions.
Lynn Beattie (16:12.093)
They were looking up at the stars, weren’t they? And they were getting all their answers from the universe. I just think it’s incredible.
Lynn Beattie (16:25.277)
Yeah, I love that. Right. So then the other thing I want to go on to, which is where we’re going to have a really good discussion, but we already have, is so I found this amazing website called the Pursuit of Happiness. Now, I know there’s also a film, but I’ve not actually watched the film. I don’t know if it’s any good. It’s got Will Smith in it.
Timi (16:42.213)
Yeah, he almost went on Oscar.
Lynn Beattie (16:45.277)
Did he won an Oscar for it? almost.
Timi (16:46.726)
Almost and then he didn’t actually win an oscars until 2022 but we all know what happened.
Lynn Beattie (16:55.997)
What did he win an Oscar for?
Timi (16:58.566)
King Richard.
Lynn Beattie (17:00.381)
was that the year? The dramatic year. wow. Interesting. Yeah, so the pursuit of happiness. Okay, so there’s a pie chart and I love a pie chart. It’s my favorite graph. So pie chart is split into three parts. So happiness is one third based on your genes, one third based on your environment.
Timi (17:03.142)
Yeah, 2022, yeah.
Lynn Beattie (17:28.477)
and then one third based on basically stuff you can build on and control. So let’s first of all cover genes and environment. So if you’re born in a war zone, it’s gonna massively impact your ability to be happy. If you are born of parents who have mental health issues, then it’s also gonna affect your happiness. And this is purely…
nature debate, not a nature nurture, although the nurture side comes from your environment. So two, the pursuit of happiness theory is saying that actually two thirds of your ability to be happy is based on stuff you can’t control. Discuss.
Timi (18:13.222)
Hmm.
interesting. Yeah, I think that if I look at my genes that my baseline is definitely not happy. It’s probably neutral to like depressive for me for sure. That’s if it was just me left to my own devices without having to do anything or without having an environment that’s conducive to happiness. And I know that
after being alive for 34 years and knowing what my baselines are. Knowing that there isn’t anything that you can do about that, to me, is comforting because there’s lots of things you can’t do anything about. When it comes to genetics, you’ve got height and hair color and whatever. So I think that is an invitation.
Lynn Beattie (19:03.101)
Mm.
Timi (19:13.702)
for you to build strategies and study principles and use tools to feel the way that you want to feel. And I really welcome that. And I also think that if you’re going to be alive, then you may as well try to be happy. We’re not here for long. So fair enough, you’ll dealt a certain hand.
But once you know what your baselines are, you may as well try to be happy if you’re going to spend time on Earth. And actually, we’re born in a country where you sort of have a choice. The UK is not perfect, but you can at least have some degree of autonomy over how your life looks like in the day to day and the extent that you want to be happy.
Lynn Beattie (20:05.405)
Yeah, so that third based on basically the country you’re born into. We’ve lucked out, yeah, we’re born in the UK.
Lynn Beattie (20:17.789)
Yes, that is interesting when you talk about baseline of happiness and also like nature nurture. So my parents were, I had an idyllic upbringing, my parents were amazing. I mean, my dad was in the army, so you know, he had a lot of…
PCSD and he wasn’t that great with expressing his emotions, which is potentially why I keep choosing men who can’t express their emotions. But there we go. Interesting mommy, sorry, daddy issues to explore. So my parents died when I was a teenager. So mum died when I was 16 and then dad died when I was 19. So I was just thrown into this like, you’re now an adult.
and the basis of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs became really important to me, as in a roof over my head. Earning money. I’ve got no one to give me any money. Like, literally, I had to go get really good A levels. I had to go to degree in university and get a maths degree because in my head that was the best degree I could get.
I tried to go to Cambridge but it wasn’t quite good enough for Cambridge. I still went to a good uni. I then had to go into the city to work for a bank and you know, trained to be an accountant. I was so driven from the age of 16 onwards because my security was ripped away from me.
And I’ve also spent 25 years in therapy because of that thing that happened to me. Because when I was at university, universities tend to have great…
Lynn Beattie (22:11.901)
care systems where they’ve got you know a lot of counsellors so I was in therapy for most of my four years at the university and then I just carried on throughout my life because I’m just a work in progress and it’s really hard losing your parents when you’re a child.
Timi (22:31.238)
Yeah, do you know what, Lynn? I often forget that about you. Like, I remembered again when you sent me an article yesterday. Like, you’ve done so well in your life, given what’s happened to you. And yeah, I just, I think what you’ve achieved has been amazing.
Lynn Beattie (22:39.069)
Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (22:53.469)
But it, thank you. I don’t really mean that. But I think therefore I’m predispositions to be a happy person because I’ve had some **** happen, right? Like death, depression, divorce, all these.
And some of it I’ve sort of brought upon myself, like I’m the one who decided to get divorced because I wasn’t happy in the situation I was in. So I got myself out of it. And I think that’s a key part of happiness, isn’t it? That if you’re in a situation that isn’t serving you.
is having, and again, this is what money helps with, it gives you choice, it gives you the freedom to walk away from something that isn’t making you happy. Yeah.
Timi (23:58.662)
So all those experiences that you had predisposed you to be a happy person, what’s your genetic baseline then?
Lynn Beattie (24:05.277)
I think so because I’m still here, I’m alive.
Lynn Beattie (24:14.877)
think I think my genetic baseline is probably not
That’s a really difficult question. I think my baseline is quite roller coaster, is quite up and down.
Yeah, it’s very rare that I’m on a level kilter and I’m sort of fine with that because when I’m on a high…
most gregarious, charismatic person and I can take everyone with me. However, we both suffer from seasonal affective disorder, which we both shared openly. And when I’m in the throes of that, in October, November, December, I don’t socialize, I don’t talk to anyone, work is a struggle.
Timi (25:12.006)
And a year is long enough for you to forget what the last year was like. That’s very interesting. So yeah, because of my baselines, it’s like every year I learn a new thing to encourage me to be happy and to practice happiness. And something that I’ve recently gotten into and what we did this past weekend actually is journaling.
I think journaling is really, really important. And I didn’t really have much of it. I’ve been doing it since 2016 and I didn’t have much of a structure in how I journaled before, but I would really recommend to anyone listening to this to pick up a journaling habit. And if you can, journal weekly. I think daily is quite a commitment. and you know, you’re going to miss days and you’re going to forget and stuff. That’s fine.
And I think monthly isn’t so frequent, it’s not frequent enough to the point where you’re developing a habit. But I think if on a Monday at the start of the week or maybe on a Sunday at the end of the week, you can kind of look back or look forward and just write down how you’re feeling. That’s going to make a huge difference in your life. Cause I’ve got four journaling prompts that I use and I write three bullets on the each. So each journal entry I write, I have to write.
Three bullet points on what’s working well in my life, what’s going well. And that’s what we did together on the weekend. The reason why I have that is because no matter what I’m going through, I’m like, come on, you have to have three things are going well right now. And they could be any three things from, I just want a bit of business to the sun is shining outside. Then I write three bullet points on why that work. So I reflect upon why that good thing has happened.
so that I can increase the chances of it happening again. And then I do the opposite. I write three bullet points on what could be better, and then I write another three bullet points on how I’m gonna fix those things. And then those last three generate actions. It could be, okay, okay, based upon what’s not going well, you’re gonna call, you’re gonna book a doctor’s appointment. Based upon what’s not working well, you’re gonna go and see your mom, because you’re not seeing her for a long time.
Timi (27:37.094)
It’s so good because you think that you’ve got all these ideas and all this information in your head, but it’s just kind of sitting there. And we live in a world where you aren’t really encouraged to sit down and reflect and think about what’s going on in your life. So when you sit down and you write it down, it’s game changing. I cannot recommend it enough.
Lynn Beattie (27:54.237)
Yeah, that’s incredible. I have always journaled, because I used to write a diary when I was a teenager. I stopped in my 20s and I stopped in my 30s because I had a big career in my 20s and then I became a mother.
basically lost my life to my job and my children. Then in my 40s I got my life back again. And yeah, I started journaling again. I approach journaling in a bit of a different way to you. I just basically write whatever comes into my head and I splurge it out. And when you read it back, it’s like, my gosh, like, what were you going through, Lynn? But…
Timi (28:38.758)
Yeah, sometimes you need to do that as well. Sometimes you just need to just write down what’s in your head, completely judgment free. And I need to learn how to be a bit less rigid, but I, the structured approach just helps me to, it’s like I go in with an objective and it’s like, nah, I’m going to try and.
Lynn Beattie (28:53.117)
Mmm, yeah, yours is structured.
Timi (29:04.262)
You can kind of see like behind me, right? Like something that’s been happening in my flat for a while is that the flat above me has been leaking into my living room for literally months now. And the building managers have done nothing. So I will write stuff down so that I can take actions to fix the stuff that’s actively not going well in my life. Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (29:26.777)
Yeah, love it. So, I talked about the pie chart and one third of the pie chart is stuff that we can take action on and we have some control on. And one of those methods of…
moving towards more happiness is journaling. So very good pre -empted my next sort of section. But so there’s I’ve got four main sections in the from the Pursuit of Happiness website, which I sort of want to talk through one by one, which are.
things you can, it’s your decision whether you do these things or not. But if you do these things well, then it promotes happiness. Okay, number one, relationships. Which is defined as having one or more close friends.
nothing to do with love, interestingly. It’s the friendship thing. Which my friends mean the world to me. I could not cope without my friends. I can cope without having a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, but I can’t cope without my friends.
Timi (30:53.83)
interesting.
Lynn Beattie (30:55.549)
Yeah, that could be a result of divorce, though. Although, you’re divorced.
Timi (31:05.254)
Well, technically not, you know, they put in that big period of time, but by the time this comes out, yeah, it will be.
Lynn Beattie (31:07.997)
Lynn Beattie (31:16.221)
celebrate that day. Yeah, it’s yeah, because again, because of that women’s hour interview I did last week. So I was love bombed in like, January, February, March, and I literally I’ve been online dating for three years. I thought I’d found someone like we actually went out for lunch. You you, I and Jordan.
Timi (31:17.062)
Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (31:45.405)
coupon King he’s not the coupon kids anymore this morning I’ve renamed him the coupon King so
Timi (31:50.854)
How they finally have his majesty himself. Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (31:57.149)
Jordan, as seen on TV every week. So yeah, we met for lunch that day and I was going on a date with this guy that night. And I remember the conversation so clearly, I was like, I’m not gonna have sex with him, I’m not gonna have sex with him. And we had this whole discussion, didn’t we, about like, intimacy and how soon you should wait and all that kind of stuff.
Yeah, so Heathland Love bombed me and it had a really big impact on me, so I’m staying clear for a bit.
Timi (32:32.646)
from online dating.
Lynn Beattie (32:35.357)
From dating. I guess if I meet somebody naturally and like you get to know them really slowly over a long period of time, that’s different.
Timi (32:36.198)
dating.
Timi (32:46.182)
Yeah. Well, I think that on, yeah, I’m trying not to talk about dating because if we do, I’m going to speak for an hour.
Lynn Beattie (32:52.221)
Yeah.
Timi (32:57.574)
I’ve heard a thing once that if I related happiness, happiness in relationships is about lowering your expectations of the other person.
Lynn Beattie (33:13.053)
Ready?
Timi (33:13.926)
Yeah. So rather than expecting that other, something about friendships, marriage, whatever, lowering the expectation of the other person, instead of expecting that other person to do things for you, love you, complete you, whatever, it’s actually about giving to them and about loving yourself. Because if you get into a relationship and you expect them to love you, they will let you down. It may be today.
It might be next year. Yeah. And like, I was like, you don’t want to hear this, right? Because you’re like, no, this stranger on the dating app is going to, he’s different. He’s going to change everything. And it’s just like, no, it’s just, it’s just a dude.
Lynn Beattie (33:55.997)
Yeah!
Lynn Beattie (34:00.861)
Just a guy that wants to have sex. Sorry. Sorry.
Timi (34:02.374)
Yeah, just, this is a guy. So you almost want to relate this to happiness specifically. You want to be, you want to be in a place where you love yourself. You accept yourself, your good on your own. And then anyone else that comes along is a bonus. I don’t know what the answer to this is, but like if a person is practicing self love.
Lynn Beattie (34:09.405)
Yes, thank you. Bring it back.
Timi (34:31.782)
in its highest form, can that guard against love bombing? Can that kind of make it? Yeah. Because their bombs of love are less effective because you’re like, well, I’m already doing this for myself, so will you bring in?
Lynn Beattie (34:39.037)
Yes.
Lynn Beattie (34:48.989)
Because you’ve reached the point of Maslow of self -esteem and yeah, you love yourself so much that…
Timi (34:58.438)
Yeah, and to be very clear, I am nowhere near the self -love, the top of the self -love pyramid. I have to work on self -love every single day. My internal monologue is so negative and so critical of me. Something that happens to me a lot is my brain cringe bombs me. You heard of cringe bombing? What about all the bombs today? My brain will just surface.
an embarrassing thing that I did or said just any time. And sometimes I’ll be by myself and I’ll have to like physically wince to like push it out of my head. And I have a really, really good memory, like a really photographic memory. So I will relive that moment. Like it was like it’s happening right then and there. I’ll give you an example. At the House of Lords event, the other day that we went to the other day that we were kind of invited to by Juno.
Lynn Beattie (35:48.477)
Yeah.
Timi (35:57.702)
I was speaking to a guy who I was meeting in person the first time. We’d kind of connected online. You know how it is with like the financial creators. And we’re outside, it was like, remember it was like really beautiful sunny day and we were outside next to the Thames and I was talking to him and I’m already like not feeling at my best because I’m not that good at small talk and my social battery has run out really quickly.
So I’m already like, okay, you’re doing well, Tim. You’re talking to people. You’ve not said anything dumb. I’m talking to this guy. Thankfully, it’s a break in the conversation where no one else notices us. I’m talking and as I’m speaking, like a piece of like, it’s not even like spit, but just like a dried piece of something left my mouth and floats across to him and like lands on his cheek. And I’m like, sorry, mate. And he’s like, fine. And he wipes it off.
Lynn Beattie (36:44.605)
I’m sorry.
Timi (36:53.446)
I’ve not spoken to him since.
Timi (36:58.726)
And then for like two weeks after that, I would just be like working. And then my brain would just replay that for me in my head. And I’m like, I think he was really, he was really nice about it. And he’s actually reposted a couple of my things online. And if he hears this, he will know, and I will know what happened. But that’s me. That’s what it’s like being in my brain. So that’s why you see me journaling all the time and like running.
Lynn Beattie (37:23.165)
Yeah, yeah.
Timi (37:24.87)
and doing all this stuff because my default is actually to be very self -critical of myself. One of the other methods they say you should do to be happy is to have self -compassion, to treat yourself like your own best friend. I need a bit more of that because if we then look at that example, if I had a friend who told me that story, I wouldn’t be like, you’re disgusting, you’re an idiot, you can just say.
Lynn Beattie (37:42.333)
Yes! Yes!
Lynn Beattie (37:51.741)
Just laugh.
Timi (37:52.518)
Maybe like it’s just one of those things, a bit awkward, but you know, these things happen. yeah. So I’m by no means perfect in this regard at all.
Lynn Beattie (38:05.373)
the psychologists say that you’re meant to get to this point of self -actualization or transcendence, which I’m sorry, but who gets to self -actualization and who gets to transcendence? I suppose we, I think that we’re quite lucky in, it’s,
Timi (38:19.174)
Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (38:34.205)
Maybe in the jobs we do, I love my job. I properly love my job and I know that you love your job as well. We’re very privileged to be able to talk about whatever we want online and have a community that likes us and follows us. So I do sort of feel like I have got a little bit of the way to self -actualise with my work.
Timi (38:51.43)
We’ll let you know when we do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Lynn Beattie (39:01.309)
But it’s certainly not with my health or with my friendships or family or love life. We often refer, because we talk to each other a lot offline, well, online, WhatsApp.
And I talk about tent poles of how my life is going. And so for me, health is sort of the core tent pole in the middle that holds everything up. And then I’ve got sort of four tent poles around the side. This is actually a theory from Donna, Donna, somebody who wrote a book called The Bridge. I’ll have to put it in the show notes. But my four tent poles are friends, work.
Timi (39:39.654)
Thank you.
Lynn Beattie (39:45.117)
family and love and we’ve all got different temples. I think you said yours were different didn’t you?
Timi (39:52.262)
We’ve got for personal, professional, health and social.
Lynn Beattie (39:56.733)
Yes. And it’s almost like if you’ve got two of them that are going okay and two of them that aren’t, you’re quite balanced. It’s yin and yang. So you can almost like, you can cope with life, but you can be happy if you’ve got a couple of them. But it’s when three of them are wobbly tent pegs, that’s when you’re thrown on kilter or when all four is tough.
Timi (40:04.038)
Thank you.
Timi (40:23.078)
Yeah, that’s true, that’s really true. The place that I’m trying to get myself to is to actually be happy with having just the health one.
Lynn Beattie (40:36.509)
Yeah. Yeah.
Timi (40:38.022)
But this is the problem with deficiency needs. Because when you’re in good health, you’re not like, yeah, I’m so healthy. Like you only notice when you’re ill or when you haven’t slept enough or when you’re hungry or thirsty, but I’m actually trying to get to a place of gratitude. And it’s like, yeah, like I’m good. Like I’ve got my health.
Lynn Beattie (40:59.293)
Yeah.
Timi (41:04.71)
Yes, this thing might not be going well, that thing might not be going well, but, you know, I could be in a completely different physical and mental state right now. That’s where I’m trying to get to.
Lynn Beattie (41:15.869)
Yes. Now I show off all the time on Instagram about my running times. I’m really into it. Like I did a 10k last week in like 61 minutes 52 seconds, which is like my personal best. And like I’m not the thinnest of people. You know, I don’t have a runner’s athletic body, but I can run a 10k.
Timi (41:21.734)
Sure.
Timi (41:29.382)
Awesome.
Timi (41:41.478)
Yeah, cool.
Lynn Beattie (41:42.173)
So, but I, again, going back to the happiness things, physical activity, really, really important for happiness. And also reverting back to the seasonal affective disorder, which obviously a lot of people suffer with. I beat it this year because I set myself a rule.
I do like rules as well, where I was gonna walk 15 ,000 or run 15 ,000 steps a day every day. I know Martin Lewis does it as well, but I think he’s a bit more obsessive and does like 30 ,000 steps a day. Anyway, I’ve done it, no fail this year, every single day. And there’s been some days where, you know, I’ve been ill or, you know, been really busy and even, so I’ve been pacing around the garden at 11 .30 at night just to get those 15 ,000 steps. And that,
Timi (42:32.142)
All right.
Lynn Beattie (42:36.093)
Men, I don’t know if it’s the actual, it’s not scientific, but I didn’t get seasonal affective disorder this year. I mean, I did have it in November and December, but I didn’t have it Jan, Femme, March.
Timi (42:51.11)
No, well done. That’s a really huge achievement. Because yeah, each year you kind of come up with a new thing to push it further and further back. I thought I’d beaten it, but then I crashed in March. And it’s just…
Lynn Beattie (43:03.805)
Yeah, it feels like nothing ever works. It’s really hard.
Timi (43:07.558)
Well, I think for me, I’m gonna have to strongly consider getting away, like doing a circuit breaker in a place that’s sunny, sort of particularly for darker skinned people, not getting sunlight is like really ruinous. But no, well done to you for sticking to that. I guess.
Lynn Beattie (43:15.581)
Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (43:32.157)
But physical, it’s just the exercises and it gets the… Thank you.
Timi (43:40.134)
endorphins. Yeah. Well, I was going to say that your temples kind of loosely mirror Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, don’t they?
Lynn Beattie (43:51.805)
Yeah. yeah!
Lynn Beattie (43:57.821)
Thank you.
Timi (43:58.406)
the physiological at the bottom.
Lynn Beattie (44:01.149)
Yes, yes. Spiritual engagement and meaning, that’s another one of the happiness things. All I’m gonna say about spirituality is that I’m not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe that there’s something out there.
believe in the universe, I believe in karma, I think if we do good things, good things will happen to us. Yeah, I’m not sure I believe in much else, but that’s a tricky subject.
Timi (44:38.726)
Yeah, I was raised in a Christian family. I went to church, prayed, all of that up until I was 18. And then I went to uni and I had kind of atheist friends that I lived with in second and third year. And they were also on my corridor in first year. But I also had exposure to like different people, cultures and ways of thinking. And I stopped being Christian at uni and I now…
Lynn Beattie (44:47.229)
wow.
Timi (45:08.102)
identify as agnostic. And similar to you, I do think there’s a God or was one. If we go, or gods, plural, if we simply go, there’s stuff here, did something cause it to exist? But I don’t think that the God or gods care what type of hat we wear or like what meat we eat. And
God might not be around anymore. Like God might have been that initial domino flicker and then just isn’t here anymore. And maybe that explains why there’s so much evil in the world because God’s somewhere else. I don’t know. Chilling.
Lynn Beattie (45:56.829)
I’ll tell you what I do believe in and I believe that my parents are still there looking out for me and obviously there’s no scientific proof well isn’t that the six grams of salt your body changes weight by six grams when you die I don’t know if that’s a proven theory I’ve seen a film about it I have to believe that my mum and my dad are there
looking after me and so my dad died on the 27th of May and then my mum died on the 26th of June so we’re recording this on the 29th of May so we are in that magical portal of yeah I just know that they’re there.
So yeah, that gives me spiritual engagement and meaning. And then finally, because I knew this would run on in time, positive mindset, gratitude, mindfulness, optimism. It goes back to the journalism and journaling, journalism, same thing, bitch.
Timi (47:01.798)
Haha.
Timi (47:06.022)
Yeah,
I
This is something that works for me in my life. There isn’t a thing I’ve visualized or written down as a goal that hasn’t happened.
Timi (47:24.038)
Yeah, like, manifestation, affirmations, I do believe that they work. I think that you end up with and become the things that you think about most of the time. And that if there’s something in your life that you want, then you should have the audacity to write it down and say, I’m going to get this thing. And literally, the only thing standing in the way of you and getting that thing is you dying suddenly. That’s it.
Lynn Beattie (47:25.789)
manifestation.
Timi (47:54.522)
I know that the life I’m living now is as a result of things I wrote down years ago and I know the things I’m writing down today, all things remaining equal will happen as well. So yeah, I’m really big on visualizing affirmation, manifesting and all that.
Lynn Beattie (48:14.077)
amazing. I 100 % concur and do exactly the same. Also surround yourself with the right people who are conducive to those wants and desires and how you want to make your life happier.
Wow.
That’s all I’ve got written on my bit of paper. no! I put out a question on Instagram earlier asking my followers, probably our followers, I’m sure we’ve got a lot shared, what people thought happiness was. And I just want to share a few of them. So maybe you just say something whilst I’m looking in my phone.
Timi (49:03.878)
Well, I actually kicked off with, when I knew that I was going to be speaking on this topic, I kicked off by Googling the word happiness. And what came back is that it’s a physiological state. Like it’s an emotion. And then I also Googled how long do emotions last? And the top result came back saying 90 seconds. And this is the thing I’ve heard.
Laura and more say before she she first brought this to my attention that my feelings only last for a minute and a half tops so The only other reflection I’d have is that happiness is kind of temporary It’s not a place that you it’s not a place that you live permanently it’s just You do something or experience something and you feel happy and you return to baseline. So
Lynn Beattie (49:49.053)
Yeah.
Timi (50:01.446)
I think happiness is worth seeking out, but I also think it’s equally as valuable to work on how you feel most of the time. And I would aspire towards contentment most of the time. So there’s a far more sustainable way to feel.
Lynn Beattie (50:22.045)
also worth saying that sadness, I suppose the opposite to happiness, just bear in mind that you only feel that sadness for 90 seconds and just to sort of like
Lynn Beattie (50:42.461)
into this herd of deer, which I sent you a picture of. And I stopped and I sat under a tree and I just cried. I mean, it’s a very overwhelming time of the year, okay, like parents and stuff, but just sit with that emotion and then it passes. What’s that? Thou shall, what’s that? That biblical phrase. This too shall pass.
Timi (51:01.83)
Yeah.
Yeah, a lot.
This too shall pass. Yeah, definitely.
I think I do think that that’s valuable. I think about that about myself as a man, because we’re not really socialized to engage with our feelings at all. I do try and sit with feelings. 90 seconds is a long time to sit with a feeling, by the way, we’re not trying to minimize this. Imagine embarrassment, imagine farting in a public setting and then having to sit there for a minute and a half. That’s a long time.
Lynn Beattie (51:40.445)
Have you done that? Is that one of your embarrassing things?
Timi (51:43.27)
No, thankfully not. But that is a long time to sit with it. But once you sit with it and you realize that, you know, it’s not going to kill you, then it just makes you that much more likely to sit through a feeling in the future because and this relates to money.
Our internal states are weaponized against us. The people that are trying to sell our stuff and get us to click on stuff know that if they can get to us before the end of that 90 seconds, then we’re going to buy the thing, we’re going to swipe on the person, we’re going to click on the thing. You know, if we just give ourselves that two minutes, that minute and a half, just think of like the stuff you wouldn’t have bought.
or the silly things you wouldn’t have said and so on.
Lynn Beattie (52:40.093)
That’s really, really true. We haven’t really talked about money that much because I don’t think we sort of need to because money isn’t happiness. Absolutely not. However, money gives you choice as I did allude to earlier on. The only way I could get out of my marriage was because I had money.
Lynn Beattie (53:06.333)
Anyway, thank you to the people who replied to my Instagram story earlier on. Just going to run through a few of them. Daisy Graham 33 said, happiness to her is calm, simple, and drama -free days. Absolutely. Our friends, the coupon king, Jordan.
Lynn Beattie (53:35.965)
Keeping busy in your work life, connected in your social life, and stable in your financial life.
pretty good from George, isn’t it? My friend Marianne, feeling safe and secure both emotionally and financially.
Lynn Beattie (54:01.053)
Sharon from John Lewis. Family peace, sunshine, animals and music. that’s nice, I like that.
Lynn Beattie (54:11.133)
full of joy, I mean that’s her Instagram account, says, I’m sure she follows you, in the forest on a misty morning anticipating a peaceful day.
Timi (54:14.214)
Hahaha.
Timi (54:29.605)
The rule of Lee, what’s your one?
Lynn Beattie (54:35.837)
to me because as a mom you automatically jump into the if my kids are happy I’m happy and actually when I googled happiness it came up with an Oprah video where Oprah said I’ve interviewed thousands of women over the years and women always say they’re happy when their children are happy I mean you can’t deny the fact that when you’re a mom like
if any of your children are unhappy, it really fucks up your life. So, sorry I haven’t answered the question. Happiness to me is going out for a walk in nature and appreciating the trees and the birds and the sunshine and sort of paying attention to all the senses.
Lynn Beattie (55:37.085)
I do that a lot.
Timi (55:40.422)
I think happiness for me is waking up on a Saturday morning and it’s like raining outside and then you just roll over and realize you don’t have to go to school or work and you just keep sleeping. That is the best feeling ever. Has always been the best feeling, will always be the best feeling ever since I was a kid.
Lynn Beattie (56:04.477)
You’re self -employed, you can work whenever you want.
Timi (56:06.982)
It’s true. It’s true. That has changed. But, you know, we have clients that keep regular office hours.
Lynn Beattie (56:17.949)
I don’t keep regular office hours. I do what I want.
Timi (56:23.43)
Boom. Yeah.
Lynn Beattie (56:26.045)
Okay, cool. Let’s snip this before it gets to an hour. I’m so sorry. I said it would be 30 to 40 minutes. It’s actually been 56 minutes. That was a really incredible conversation as it always is with you. Thank you so much for your time. Time’s so valuable. How do people find you on the internet or meet you?
Timi (56:55.43)
Yeah, yeah. Well, you meet me by following me and I will be posting the places where I’ll be in real life. I’m at MrMoneyJar across all socials. You can also search Timi and Merriman Johnson as well.
Lynn Beattie (56:55.453)
in real life.
Lynn Beattie (57:12.797)
Amazing. Everyone go follow Timi because his Instagram is amazing. Yeah. Thank you. It’s been really good.
Timi (57:20.806)
Thanks for having me.
